So, I sat down at my laptop today to try to do some creative writing, since I was in a strange mood and also because I haven’t set any time aside for non-academic writing since the semester started. What followed was pretty unnerving, when I re-read it. Mostly, because I can’t tell if it makes any sense at all, or an uncanny amount of sense. It’s probably just the former, and I’m still thinking strangely.
For the bored or curious, here’s my semi-psychotic rant:
Life, you know, is madness.
Well, I believe the term used is “absurdity.”
The term used by philosophers. They chose well.
Absurdity. Not many people get it, if one really can get it (and I believe I have.)
Evokes laughter, doesn’t it?
Laughter. Yes. I laugh a lot, don’t I?
At the absurdity. At everything. Well, it’s all one and the same, really. You see, I’ve realized that laughter isn’t madness. It’s the most natural response in the face of the cold, serpentine gaze of “reality.”
I’ll tell you. Ha.
The meaninglessness of everything gets to a person rather quickly, once you accept that as the truth. Life was a random accident, evolution, a curious coincidence. All we are, all we do—it’s all temporary in the face of the void beyond the existence we know. (Assuming, of course, I’m right. This is all assuming I’m right…)
Yes, we can search for meaning. We can create meaning. I’ve done plenty of searching myself. Lots and lots of searching. But when we die—what then?
I was afraid of sleep once, you know. Death, while awake, you can mostly see coming—sure, sure, there’s the occasional split-second freight train accident and such. But for the most part, you feel the pain and know it’s coming. But sleep, death’s bastard brother, is much more sneaky than life, when it comes to its dealings with death. One minute, you’re dreaming, the next moment, you’re not. So simple. So completely fucking terrifying.
Don’t worry. I can sleep now.
I once visited a cadaver lab, as a student. I was making jokes the whole time, which my fellow students either appreciated or tried to ignore (the ones that weren’t passing out from the mere sight of the gray-skinned, well-preserved, bony corpses, that is.)
The one I dissected was an old lady. Had been an old lady, in life. Now, it was a cadaver. Of course, hair, clothing, eyeballs… that was all gone.
When we got to the stomach, the girl to my right passed out. I helped catch her, keep her from heading face-first into the cadaver’s open body cavity, and the professors led her into the hallway.
Once they were gone, curiosity overcame me.
I had to see the face (so tastefully covered with a towel.)
So I pulled off the white, stained towel, to look the corpse in the eyes. Sockets.
Was it grinning? It seemed that way for just a moment.
I left that day thinking of laughter in the face of death.
That’s why I laugh. You see now.
If I weren’t laughing, I’d be crying.
Those empty eyesockets beheld a terrible truth. They saw non-existence itself.
Laughter, madness, sanity, solemnity…
(Perhaps I am the sane one.)
(I know why skulls grin.
Yes, perhaps it has to do with having no lips.
But maybe, just maybe, it’s because they know the terrible, mind-crushing, amusing truth.)