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That Other Me

So I mentioned in an earlier post my personal metaphor for my depression, the black bird on my shoulder. Well, that corvid has a brother, and his name is psychosis.

I’ve mentioned in some other posts some things I’ve done when I was less than rational. So far, nothing too bad (that is, no self-injuries or injuries to others.) I rarely act on psychotic impulses, and always, after having a break from reality, I return to myself and am capable of realizing that what I just thought (or heard) was not rational. But still, the fact that it happens, however brief, scares me. It’s a disturbing thing to not be able to trust your own mind. There’s no guarantees how I’ll act. Especially toward other people. I once got into a shouting match with my parents because I was suddenly convinced they were conspiring against me, talking about me behind my back. Of course I apologized afterward, but still.

And I’m terrified that one day I’ll have a psychotic break, say, in a store or in the middle of class one day. It would be terribly embarrassing.

The worst thing about having psychotic depression, in my opinion, is that I am sane enough to lead a normal life, with just enough craziness to disturb that life and make it really hard to manage sometimes.

As long as this, the sane, “real”, non-psychotic me has the wheel, though, things will be okay. And my antipsychotic medication has actually lessened the occurrences of psychosis.

I just go on living, hoping that the psychotic version of myself stays hidden in the recesses of my mind, somewhere in those dark corners that I don’t like to explore.

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About The Mental Chronicles

I am an otherwise "normal" person who suffers from psychotic depression. This blog is about me, things I like, and my struggle with mental illness.

4 responses to “That Other Me

  1. SchizoTomasz ⋅

    It’s a terrible feeling to not trust one’s self. I remember I would sometimes be paralyzed with fear by the thoughts running through my head. The worse thing about these thoughts is that they seem rational when you are in the moment and thus force you to act (for example, I too would argue with my parents, or others, about something paranoid). Now that I have experience, I can identify the fear that comes with any psychotic thought and dismiss it immediately thanks to things I learned from CBT.

  2. Sandy Sue

    I soooo get this.
    I invited another corvid (my god, I love that word!!) to sit on my shoulder—The Observer. Bright-eyed, it watches my thoughts and feelings without judgment or attachment. Just watches and is aware. He creates for me a space between the craziness and my true self where I can navigate. I’m not scared of the psychosis anymore, it’s a part of me. But, I don’t have to identify with it. I often tell people, “I don’t trust anything my mind says,” and that’s true. All thoughts are suspect and subject to scrutiny. Knowing that makes my life a whole lot easier.

    • I’m still not quite used to it. It’s been four years or so since my symptoms first manifested, and I’m still getting accustomed to my own mind. I could use an observer of my own. Maybe I’ll develop that ability eventually.

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