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Living With Me

I realize that I am not always the easiest person to live with. Between my mood swings, my occasional paranoia, my sometimes extreme depression, and my occasional irrational flash-fire anger, companionship with me can be a challenge. I have moved beyond (for the most part; I do still occasionally deal with this) the feelings of being a worthless burden on everyone I know, but I realize that I am still not easy to understand or even to get along with, necessarily. Hell, even I don’t understand my own mind sometimes, and it does scare me, but that’s part of the reason I want to be a clinical psychologist–to better understand my own mind and the minds of others.

I can think of countless times I have snapped at people in my family for no reason, or times when I have been overcome with a delusional paranoia and I accused them of something irrational, ridiculous. And then there’s my moodiness and long periods of silence and suffering and just wanting to be alone. My family tells me that they don’t mind dealing with me, but I can see it: the strain in the corners of their eyes, the tired sigh when they think I’m not listening.

For my part, I am doing the best I can. I truly think I am in a much better place since those few years ago before I got help, when I was floundering in my own feelings, contemplating and sometimes acting on ideas of suicide. I see my psychiatrist and psychologist regularly, and I take my medications faithfully.

I guess the point of this post is pretty much a thank-you to my close friends and family, who know everything, who’ve seen me go through everything, and who have stayed by my side.

I know that they never would, but I’ll say it anyway: don’t give up on me.

I’m trying. Someday I’ll be better. I’ll be used to coping.

And until then, thank you.

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About The Mental Chronicles

I am an otherwise "normal" person who suffers from psychotic depression. This blog is about me, things I like, and my struggle with mental illness.

7 responses to “Living With Me

  1. I’m sure it’s hard to live with me, too.
    Cool set up on your blog!!!
    The Cockroach

  2. I have spent countless hours worrying about how my husband deals with it. I used to tell him that all of my previous suitors had gone through this process of change while we were together. They were perfectly decent men. And somewhere along the way, I killed their souls. I am the soul killer of people who get too involved with me. And I gave him the option to run while he still could. Well, not like he really could, we were married. But, it was more like, “I’d understand if you don’t want to stay with me.”

    In times of our worst darkness, where we had isolated each other the worst, I had watched the glimmer fade in his eyes. And I thought – here it is. I killed his soul. Life doesn’t matter anymore. And it will be a slow decline into misery here, a mutual misery that we impart upon each other and still blame each other for.

    One day, when we were back in a wonderful place, and I had forgotten all about it, he told me. “You do not kill people’s souls. Your soul only attracted those who did not have a soul. Their emptiness was a mirror for your own. You mistook it as a soul twin, and that emptiness nearly killed your own soul. Your soul is what gives my soul the breath of life to keep going when it becomes weighted.”

    I couldn’t believe he had even remembered.

    Your family may feel occasionally exhausted and frustrated. But you are not a burden. You are loved. And with their help, you know and they know that you will get better.

  3. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. Yes, I’m starting to realize that I am not a burden. Here’s to your continued recovery–and mine as well.

  4. I hear you!! Sometimes I feel the same and wonder why people put up with me! But I am so glad they do.

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